“It’s scary, but do it anyway”

I bought a little calendar at Aldi the other day that has all these motivational quotes for each day. I figured, maybe this will help pull me out of my slump? I don’t know if it’s the zodiac affect (where everything is so vague that of course it can easily be related back to your life and just what you needed to hear), but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

With everything going on lately in politics, we find ourselves in hot topic conversations more often than not. And in these conversations, it feels that currently as a nation we are the most divided we’ve ever been. Anything and everything surrounding politics is taken/delivered as a personal attack and it’s seemingly getting us nowhere. How did we get here? When did we lose the ability to have differences without taking personal offense?

Let me start off by saying I have completely underestimated how much time is actually consumed when you’re moving into a new house, chasing a toddler, husband starting a new job, and navigating your second pregnancy. Spoiler alert - it is a LOT. However, my blog remains my one vice where I feel like I can just write down my thoughts - even if no one is really reading.

This month’s topic has been on my mind for quite some time now. It’s something you’re always told and know to look out for, but it doesn’t really hit you until you’re in the thick of it and realize just how much of yourself you’re still working on. I’m talking about triggers. My main experience has been while parenting, but triggers can come into play with literally any relationship you have. It just so happens that it kinda smacks you in the face a littttttle bit harder when it’s your mini-me showing you what those actually are.

We’ve got our enneagrams, our zodiac signs, personality types, and so on and so on and so on… All of these are little online assessments that you can take to better understand your psyche and frankly, why you are the way you are! I personally love all these types of tests. I don’t force myself to fit into the little box that they offer nor do I lean on it to explain away my internal or external conflicts, but rather to better understand myself. Have a bit of an explanation and awareness for what makes me tick. I also think it shines a light on a lot of things that are experienced/thought and makes you feel less crazy. Or maybe more seen? Definitely less alone.

As January comes to an end, so does the first month of the “New Year/New You” mantra. For me, it’s interesting to see the New Year resolutions that are seemingly the easiest on paper, turn out to be the hardest. It’s a known fact that physical exercise and eating healthy are big adjustments and take quite the commitment in order for you to see any results; however, no one really talks about healing or working on your mental health and what to expect. Across social media, you see people talk about how they started meditating daily, doing yoga, breathing exercises, physical activity, writing positive sayings on their mirror - and voila! It worked for them and magically fixed. Then you go to do it and think - what the hell am I doing wrong?? This shit is hard! No amount of post-its are keeping my thoughts constantly positive throughout the day. Yeah, maybe these things work for people, but what’s failed to be mentioned is what actually turns these rituals into routine.

Ahhh, the last post of the year. I did it! I made 12 posts in a year, one for each month (we won’t mention that I’ve been playing a game of catch up with each month haha!) and it was soooo much fun that I think I’m going to try and keep it going for 2022! I’m kinda the worst at keeping New Year’s resolutions, so it makes me very happy that I was actually able to keep this one. On my own site nonetheless! And thank YOU to everyone who actually takes the time to read my craziness. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Applause all around!

My whole life I’ve been deemed as a “calm” person. In job interviews I’ve been told multiple times that I had this sense of calm about me. Through friends, they mention that I bring this calm/stillness to conversations and honestly? I love hearing it. But do I actually relate to it? Not at all. Because of this, I’ve always felt that I’ve tamed myself so well because if they were inside my head at any given moment, they would not see it as calm. So how on earth am I exuding calm when my mind is going a million miles a minute? What I’ve done is I’ve become an expert at internalizing every single emotion that all that’s left for the outside world to see, is something emotionless. And when I do have emotions, I QUICKLY reel them in and more often than not, get labeled as “not acting myself” because it’s the first time anyone has seen just how “big” my emotions can get.

I believe that everyone is trying to find themselves - constantly. I mean, that’s sort of just life, right? We’re either out chasing our goals, finding ourselves in new chapters/roles of life, or fine tuning the characteristics we choose to encompass. And so much of what we choose as an identity lies in small factors of what makes us, us. At the same time, we’re predisposed to put everything into nice, neat, little boxes. Everything has it’s specific compartment that makes up an individual personality. However, more often times than not, we’re proven that these boxes are complete bullshit. They mean absolutely nothing. Seeing past this notion of neat little boxes means looking inward to find that your own demise may simply be trying to define yourself or fit in. But how does one stop that so easily? What if everything you’re looking to relate to, you’re just not quite there yet. How do you find an identity through that? Without boxes? Is there even an identity to be had within that?

So here I am, late again to my blog post, but that’s OK because I promise to make it up to y’all with a “double-feature” this month! Life has been a little hectic, to put it nicely, and somehow September lasted 2 weeks and here we are, already in October! I’ve been in the midst of planning our wedding celebration, building a new home, taking care of a wild & crazy 16 month old, and catering to a very particular 6 year old pup. Crazy feels like an understatement. All the while, I picked now to start actually working through some of my mental and physical health. Impeccable timing. However, extremely fitting for this specific post.

Have you ever been out shopping for a specific type of car and on your way home, you see nothing but that exact car everywhere you turn? One pulls up to you at the stoplight, you pull into your driveway and for the first time notice that your neighbor has this car, and at work your boss even has it too! What in the world!? Or, you’re talking with your friends out somewhere about something very off the wall - let’s say hibiscus flowers. Then all of a sudden your everyday life is somehow bombarded with hibiscus flowers! From shirt designs to website backgrounds, wild hibiscus’ on the news, etc. Umm…glitch in the simulation? Haha, JK! But what issss that!? Welp, it turns out it’s the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon or better known as the frequency illusion. Basically explaining that something you just noticed, talked about, or experienced has now popped up everywhere in your life seemingly out of nowhere; however, it’s not out of nowhere at all. In having the conversation or looking into specific things, it makes a topic very relevant in your mind whether you’re thinking about it at the time or not. But when you spot it, it feels out of nowhere and almost like the universe is listening. When in reality, these things have always been frequently around you, just never present enough in your mind to be pointed out. But are you sure it’s not a sign from the universe?

Cancel culture has always been around, but in different variations for obvious reasons. However, ever since Internet became a thing, it has sky-rocketed. And even more so when we found ourselves stuck at home last year only able to connect with one another through a screen. It’s a LOT easier to type your woes and complaints than it is to say them face to face. Hence the creation of a new era of cancel culture. A faceless cancel culture, where no one is protected nor truly understood.

It’s been a little over a year that I’ve been a mom and although there are must haves for our sweet babes, there are also mommy must haves in order to survive the first year. This is what I’ve found to be the most helpful from the first day to the first year of mommyhood.

Recently, and quite frankly very unexpectedly, I took all social media off of my phone. I’ve been dabbling with the idea of deleting my social media accounts for a couple years now, but that felt dramatic and pointless to me. Therefore, taking it off my phone felt very logical and simple because who looks at social media on an actual computer anymore? I’m not really sure what made me pull the trigger on a random Tuesday in April, but man oh man am I happy I did. I didn’t have this “come to jesus” moment about it or anything either - it was really simple thinking. The longer I scrolled through my feed - the longer I felt like crap afterwards. And not in a way of “man, I just wasted an hour endlessly scrolling” (although that would be the normal reaction), but more in the sense of feeling drained and just shitty about myself. It was endless highlight reels of people’s days when I was having a crap one. Or first time mom’s completely rocking it and looking flawless while I sat unbathed in my clothes that didn’t fit anymore with spit up from two days ago on them. And on top of all of that, I felt this need to contribute and tell people about my life constantly while I was on it - which just felt off to me. I can’t really explain it too well, so I won’t sit here and bore you with analogies, all I will say is that it was completely overwhelming and clouding me being able to find my “true” self in this new chapter in my life.

We’ve all sat around a table, drinks in hand, chatting with friends about the things we 100% absolutely won’t do as parents. Things like “I’ll never ever use a screen to distract my child”, “I’ll never let my child sleep in my bed!”, and “I won’t let my kid see me lose my cool”. Yes, all of the “I’ll never” statements. Ahhh, what a blissful time to live in. Pre-baby, these are all completely doable in our minds and we truly have good intentions set out for these “never” moments. However, post-baby? HA! I’m a completely different person post-baby. And I felt this obligation to warn my friends that haven’t had children yet to just wait, but of course they see themselves as the exception to the rule. Which is great! Please let them live in that state of mind for as long as possible. Because soon enough you both will be texting each other midst your third breakdown of the week, with your baby laying on your chest in your bed with Doc McStuffins on in the background to help put them to sleep.

March 2020, we all walked out of our doors without a mask never knowing that day would be our last to breath so freely and carelessly. Pandemic hits quickly and viciously, and here we are a year later and it feels as though we’re none the wiser, no? You’d think it’d be common sense/courtesy/just plain morality to do what you can to protect yourself and the community you’ve built around you; however, what we got to see was the truly ugly side of humanity and the very meaning of “every man for himself” play out for a year. So instead of getting worked up and in my head about how people are stupid and won’t wear masks, which a year later has transfigured into people not getting the vaccine (makes my blood actually boil) - I decided to reflect on the good things we learned and the good out of my own personal experience throughout this pandemic.

Eating is something we need to do to survive, quite literally. Yet it is one of the MOST controversial topics out there. What’s healthy? What’s unhealthy? Something as simple as nourishing our bodies with food becomes this huge conversation that leaks into our every day lives, conversations, and thoughts to the point of toxicity. A whopping 28.8 million Americans suffer from an Eating Disorder. Instead of changing our language around food, body types, education - there is this massive market out there pushing diet culture and promoting “health” in unrealistic ways while profiting off of those millions’ illness and only getting richer as their customer gets sicker. Seems a little backwards, no? The process to “un-diet” is a long road for most and an even harder one for those with an ED. But the concept is very simple and one that I am actively teaching myself and hoping to spread to those around me, especially my daughter.

Ah yes, the age old question - whether or not you’re going to sleep train your child. I am going to go ahead and start off by saying there is no right answer at all and this blog post does not condone one way or another. I myself have been literally all over the map with this, that I’m pretty sure my indecisiveness may be what “traumatizes” my child from this experience rather than the whole crying herself to sleep part.