Survival Mode

I sit here depleted, searching for hope,

My mind burning through all my tools trying to cope.

I come up with new ideas each and every day,

Ones that promise a better tomorrow and that I'll be ok.

I'm told all too often this season will pass,

To enjoy all the moments and ignore the greener grass.

But it's hard right now, can I not feel that too?

Do I bottle that up and just push through?

It grows

This resentment that doesn't make sense,

I chose this life, this family, to be this tense.

I break down the walls I feel I've been called to answer,

These barriers, these faults, these cyclical generational errors.

I'm over-touched, out yelled, yearning for sensory deprivation,

"But it goes by so fast" remains my motivation.

I need sleep, I need help that I'm not willing to ask for,

Because look at my life - and you really ask for more?

The comparative suffering mixed with intrusive thoughts,

How can you be so down when you've barely even fought?

You're just outside the ring.

You haven't truly experienced war.

Now tell me why you're breaking down, laying on the floor.

Pick yourself back up,

Your champagne problems won't be enough.

I won't feel your pity,

I won't let you stay,

Recoil back to your brain with these thoughts on replay.

This break you so desperately claim you need,

Just get up and keep going

You’re showing your greed.

So how do I coexist with moments so fleeting,

When I haven't even healed what's caused the depleting?

Forget the magical moments I was promised to find,

It's more like a life of the blind leading the blind.

So here we sit so fully aware,

Myself and my mind, she knows we're unprepared.

She reminds me all day what she's capable of,

Throwing major hit punches with her deep rooted glove.

Taking hit by hit in a ring I didn't intend to enter,

Yet still, I stand bruised refusing to resent her.

So I attempt again with my tools, depleted and lurking,

To cut the swing short. Duck. Bob. Weave, continue the reworking.

Yes, you're right, it does go by fast.

But surely with these feelings and self talk, I'm not equipped to last.

I'll dust myself off, put some ice on my eye.

For tomorrow's a new day, but today I'll just cry.