On The Cusp

I believe that everyone is trying to find themselves - constantly. I mean, that’s sort of just life, right? We’re either out chasing our goals, finding ourselves in new chapters/roles of life, or fine tuning the characteristics we choose to encompass. And so much of what we choose as an identity lies in small factors of what makes us, us. At the same time, we’re predisposed to put everything into nice, neat, little boxes. Everything has it’s specific compartment that makes up an individual personality. However, more often times than not, we’re proven that these boxes are complete bullshit. They mean absolutely nothing. Seeing past this notion of neat little boxes means looking inward to find that your own demise may simply be trying to define yourself or fit in. But how does one stop that so easily? What if everything you’re looking to relate to, you’re just not quite there yet. How do you find an identity through that? Without boxes? Is there even an identity to be had within that?

As most know from past posts, I have a lot of issues. LOL. jkjk. We’ll say just a lot going on.

We’ll start with physical. Among the lot of things, I have an autoimmune disorder, called Hashimotos. Which is the pre-requisite for Hypothyroidism. Basically meaning, my body is attacking my thyroid because it doesn’t recognize it and sees it as a foreign object that it needs to get rid of. If you’ve ever heard me say that my body is at war with itself - it’s actually the truth haha. So all that means is that I just get bloodwork done every 6 months to see if I tipped the scales yet (which is pretty much inevitable - yay, I LOVE waiting games [eye roll]) and if I do then I take a hormonal supplement. And in the meantime I get to enjoy all the lovely side effects that come with being riiiiight there - yet not totally over the edge. You will soon come to see that this is basically my life.

When I was around 20ish, I had an abnormal pap smear that led to high grade cancer cells being found on my cervix. I remember very vividly the doctor sitting my mom and I down in his office while drawing a picture of my “cervix” with a bunch of little asterisks to depict the cancer and how if I didn’t act fast, it would absolutely spread. I had a LEEP procedure where they (basically) skin off the top layer of your cervix. I had many 3 month follow ups with many procedures to follow in order to keep an eye on things until I was finally back to “normal”. Then a couple years later, it shows itself again and I have to go through some more procedures, back to the doctors office every 1-2 months, and it became a very scary reality of many things being scarce or off the table for me. But then I got extremely lucky and was able to have my beautiful daughter with relatively no issues (is that even a thing with birthing a human?) and just a fleeting thought when I go for a check up as “oh yeah… I did have this…or almost? I’m not quite sure…was it all a dream because I feel fine?” There it is again, riiiiiight there, standing on the edge of the cliff looking over, but not quite fully jumping off.

Go back a little further - in middle school, I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). But I don’t have visible compulsions? I don’t have the “typical” cleanliness issue? Are you sure? It wasn’t until I was 31 that I was diagnosed again with it, but this time it was finally explained to me. There are many variations of OCD and one of those is reflecting inward. It’s still the compulsions, the intrusive thoughts, the reassurance seeking, the constant-on-repeat-playing-out scenarios, the second guessing (OMG THE SECOND GUESSING) but solely inside my mind. Yeah, sometimes it manifests itself outwards when it gets really bad or manifests itself into compulsions, but pretty much invisible to those around me. So here we are again, staring straight down off the cliff, little pebbles falling below my feet, yet I’m still securely on the edge peering over.

Recently, I was introduced to this idea of HSPs (highly sensitive person). Which sounds silly, right? Sounds a little like an excuse to be dramatic? Haha! But I did some research and it turns out it’s actually people that quite literally feel a little more than others. Be it actual pain, emotions, situations. They tend to be people that are constantly told that they exaggerate or their feelings are “too big”. This is starting to sound like my entire childhood explained lolol. I take the “test” and find out, I “qualify”. Not exactly something I’d like to qualify for, but now I can maybe get some knowledge, a little insight into me as a person and define these feelings a little better. Cram them into that box. Only to get into a couple books on it and feel lost. Not seen at all, not relating to anything. But the definition, the definition is me! The lived experiences from others though? I’m right there, but not quite. AGAIN.

I remember this same feeling when I took the test for postpartum depression. The most generic test they could ever put together (in my humble opinion) that they just kinda throw to you before you’re discharged. Oh gee, thanks. I too qualified for technically having postpartum depression. I was given pamphlets, help, information on it. Only to find, that I didn’t fit in with this group of women. Mine was the same, but not. I knew I was depressed, I knew I needed help, all I wanted was to talk with others that went through the same things only to find that we had virtually nothing in common with our depression journey. I wasn’t seeing myself in this information. So I must be fine? This edge is starting to get verrrrrry steep if you ask me.

I invest my time and energy into educating myself constantly on what feels like pieces of me finally being explained to me, only to realize I don’t quite fit the box that was created for each. I don’t have these extreme conditions. I can never quite relate.

So how do you create an identity out of all of these almost half assed issues. And by no means am I trying to say that your issues or setbacks or health define you as a person, but if you constantly have the chair moved from each table that you feel you can finally sit at, it starts to feel as though maybe there just isn’t a table made for you. It’s like grade school all over again. Where do I fit in? I’m not quite all the way over here and I’m not quite all the way over there. I’m on the cusp.

I start to wonder. Is there even an identity to be had within all these realms? Each takes up a significant amount of head space, time, downward spirals, and appointments that I would hope it wouldn’t all be for nothing. Yet, is this really what one would want an identity created off of? It feels as though it is a bigger picture of my personality, granted - not the side you really want to flaunt. Which leads me to wonder if it’s possible to have characteristics or a individual personality without the scars? Are the scars what make up the personality or do they just add some flavor? Maybe instead of wondering whether I jump or head back to the city from this edge, I just build my own house on the edge. Maybe it truly is as simple as not needing to fit in to any boxes at all. Not needing to be the extremes of either side and finding uniqueness and power on the cusp.