Keep Calm and Carry On

My whole life I’ve been deemed as a “calm” person. In job interviews I’ve been told multiple times that I had this sense of calm about me. Through friends, they mention that I bring this calm/stillness to conversations and honestly? I love hearing it. But do I actually relate to it? Not at all. Because of this, I’ve always felt that I’ve tamed myself so well because if they were inside my head at any given moment, they would not see it as calm. So how on earth am I exuding calm when my mind is going a million miles a minute? What I believe I’ve done is I’ve become an expert at internalizing every single emotion that all that’s left for the outside world to see, is something emotionless, or calm. And when I do have emotions, I QUICKLY reel them in and more often than not, get labeled as “not acting myself” because it’s the first time anyone has seen just how “big” my emotions can get.

As stated in an earlier post, I’ve recently come across this phenomenon of the highly sensitive person. And to be honest with you, the first time I read about it, I was like what? No way. That’s a lot even for me. But as I’ve come to slowly unpack myself, lay it all out there, I’ve realized – holy shit. That’s me. Growing up, I was always labeled as having big feelings. I would have these MASSIVE tantrums (I legit used to lay on my back, kicking my door to my room, screaming, for at least 30 minutes – my poor mother…), I was very strong willed, I was passionate, and I felt pain more than what I noticed others felt. I can’t tell you when exactly I learned this to be “bad” behavior or when it got shoved so far down that I leaned into becoming “normal” – maybe societal, maybe being labeled constantly, not being understood, what have you – but somewhere along the line I learned how to internalize it. And man, did I internalize it well. I’m freaking 31 years old and just now unpacking these “flawed” emotions. My mind, body, and spirit literally could not keep it down anymore. I was/am at my breaking point and I didn’t even know why. I couldn’t play this part anymore or keep up with the façade. I have to take it out, lay it all out in front of me, and reassess because whatever I’ve been doing, is not working.

In unpacking all of this, I’m able to look back on past experiences and offer myself some grace – which is honestly a beautiful thing to be able to do. I’m able to laugh at some of the cringey things I said or did simply because I didn’t understand. For example. Oh dear lord, I can’t believe I’m about to tell these stories. When I was in kindergarten (I believe?), I remember talking to my best friend at the time while we were waiting to be picked up, and she wasn’t listening. I remember calling her name multiple times and I think I was trying to tell her something personal? Honestly, who knows what’s that important in kindergarten, but clearly it was for me, and she wouldn’t listen to me, so when she finally turned around, I straight slapped her. KINDERGARTEN. Slapped. WHAT?! I remember after I did it, recoiling and thinking omg, what in the WORLD did my hand just do? Is this real life?? And to make things even better, I was going home with her that day to have a play date. HA! You have got to be kidding me, right?? Oh man. I got reeeeaaamed out by her mother – as I should have– and I remember crying, but also feeling this extreme sense of being lost or out of control. I had no explanation for my action. My body was literally just a reactor to my emotions. I must be a horrible friend. Then comes a new school – not for the slapping haha! We were still friends after that (somehow) lol – new friends, same emotions. A group of popular girls that I magically fell into at this school invited me over to watch A Walk to Remember, as you do as a middle school girl, and when it ended, we were all in tears – but I was inconsolable. I legit, lost my shit. I remember the girls being nice and trying to console me and all I could think was – I must be weird. So I made up this entire story about how I recently had a friend that passed away the exact same way and I was just still coping. Ahem….WHAT?!? Why??? Are you cringing as much as I am reliving these? I sure hope so haha! And now we move to present Kelly. I was watching the show You (no spoilers I promise) and there was this one scene that shook me to my core. My mind went wild with it. I had played out every scenario of it relating to my life and my reaction to everything that would come next that my body legit carried this sense that it happened to me. Now of course, I don’t see it this way immediately. I go my whole day being upset, sad, pissed with no idea why. I’m quick to frustration with my daughter, I can feel myself bubbling up inside – where on earth is this coming from!? Ah, must be because I do too much around this house with no help. Yup, that sounds good. So I’m still mad, my husband asks what’s wrong and I lay into him. “I can’t be the only one who cleans or does the dishes or the laundry. It’s too much! I’m drained!” as my saint of a husband comes back with a “Ok. I can do more. What still needs to be done?” Oh….ok. I must be too needy. So I give him some chores off my list as I start to realize, I’m actually not overwhelmed. I have the time and capacity to do this. I’m fine. As quickly as I realize this, he replies with “Ok, great. Consider it done.” Welp…that wasn’t my issue… this is embarrassing. And mind you, present Kelly is working on herself so I am VERY open with this journey and I quite literally say “I don’t think that was it…” Why this man has patience for me? I’ll never know haha. So there I am, befuddled, lost, going through my day out loud wondering why in the hell I feel like I’m carrying a boulder uphill. Then it clicks. Oh my freaking god. It’s the goddamn show. THE SHOW. My mind interpreted this one scene that I semi related to into a full-blown experience that felt like my own. Let me just repeat that – a SHOW had me wrecked for an entire day. Now this is not the first argument I’ve had with my husband on this same subject and the glass is just shattering all around me. I can see so clearly now. He’s been my punching bag because my body physically can’t take anymore beating from within. This dam is about to break if it gets one more punch to it and society won’t accept the real me.

Just simply naming something, not even labeling, but naming it within myself gave me the ability to look at it dead on and think, being highly sensitive isn’t my issue. My issue is thinking it’s an issue and internalizing it, shoving it down, suffocating it, thinking that will solve the problem. When in reality, that quite literally exacerbated the problem. My body has reacted so violently to me shoving it down that I thought I was the problem. I needed to keep it all in with a straight face and appear calm and collected. Because if I do that, I am no longer a horrible friend, weird, needy, etc. I prevented myself from being labeled by society, from being labeled difficult, too much, or too dramatic – I kept myself tamed. Except now, I’ve realized that I’ve shoved down so much of what made me, me - that I honestly don’t know where I begin and the societal costume ends. I lost my voice by trying so desperately to fit in. And it sounds sad, but I promise you I’m not. I’m liberated. Yeah, it took me 31 years, but I got here. I’m able to look back on that young girl and offer her grace and compassion. I’m able to look at my daughter and see her big emotions and vow to not let the subconscious biases of society tame her.

My hypersensitivity is my superpower. Because of my sensitivities, I’m very perceptive. I have a huge amount of empathy. I love fiercely. I’m passionate. I’m loyal and a dedicated friend. Yeah, some days I am quickly humbled that a show can rock me, or a friend’s distance will throw me off balance, but now that I can see it for what it is, I can take a hammer to this dam and let the flooding begin. I’ll build a ship and open up my true self in ways I never thought possible. It’s one thing to preach flaws are what make us human, but to truly believe it – to see these flaws rather as superpowers breaks down the societal norms, shatters the glass, and lets us connect with our mind, body, and spirit in a whole new way.