To Sleep Train or Not to Sleep Train

Ah yes, the age old question - whether or not you’re going to sleep train your child. I am going to go ahead and start off by saying there is no right answer at all and this blog post does not condone one way or another. I myself have been literally all over the map with this, that I’m pretty sure my indecisiveness may be what “traumatizes” my child from this experience rather than the whole crying herself to sleep part.

As many know, there are a million and one ways to sleep train your child. Many people start around 4-6 months. I was one of those people; however, it was just my husband and I in our small apartment, where I couldn’t hide or block my ears enough to stop myself from hearing Abigail’s screams. I’m sure I’m not the first person to tell you, this shit is HARD. Like, going against nature hard. You are not meant to hear your child scream and not feel the need to comfort them. I’m pretty sure I lasted one night when we first tried it at 4 months. We were trying the Ferber Method - which is basically checking in on her in intervals (every 5 min, then 10 min, and so on). I vividly remember hearing her scream and I sat there on the wall to her room, falling down, silently crying so she wouldn’t hear me and counting down the SECONDS until I could jump back in to comfort her. Needless to say, not worth the stress. The next day she was back in mama’s arms being rocked to sleep.

Now, we had a bit of a strange situation. Abigail was already sleeping through the night. She would fuss a bit and need to have her back rubbed here and there to get back down, but besides that - slept well! My doctor even told me that if she’s sleeping through the night, who cares how you get her down. Woo! I’ve got science on my side now! Yet everywhere I turned, I was being asked if she was sleep trained yet. Am I messing her up by not letting her fall asleep without my arms? I would explain how I was still rocking her to sleep, “but she sleeps through the night!” I’d always immediately follow up with. As if it matters. As if that stopped the faces that people can’t seem to hide on how you may be setting your kid up for sleep failure somehow. When it comes to parenting, every one will seem as though they’ve cracked the code - trust me, they haven’t.

Then, we moved across country and all rules went out the window. Abigail was still sleeping through the night, but 6 different hotels, 7 days driving - you bet your ass we were co-sleeping. To be honest, I have been co-sleeping from the very beginning. I know, I know - bad sleep habits, codependency, whatever you got, throw it at me. Because let me tell you, I would do ANYTHING to get those nights back. To hear her little baby coos up close and personal, smell her little baby smells. Ugh. I miss it everyday.

So now we’re back in VA and we have more help and people around, except Abigail won’t let anyone do her nighttime routine except for me. Possibly in true “pandemic baby” form? Or maybe just classic separation anxiety. Either way, it’s not a good sign. Not only does mama need just a tiny breather after 6 months without one, but now I flash forward and think maybe I am messing up her sleeping by not letting her figure out how to fall asleep on her own.

Enter - trial #2. Again, the Ferber Method, but slightly adapted for what I thought would be best for Abigail. So basically, we rocked her to sleep for 10 minutes, brought her to the crib, said our goodnights, and then left. This time we lasted 3 whole days! Unfortunately, the cries and screams got worse and worse as each day progressed. Here I am again, crying outside the room on the ground while she screams for me to comfort her. Wait a minute - everything I read said that it would get easier as the days went on, not harder. So my husband does some more research and finds out that there’s actually a chance that sleep training just doesn’t work for your child. A 20% chance in fact. And that is all I needed to throw in the towel once again.

Then, I had a friend suggest maybe just placing her in the crib - no rocking - saying goodnight and starting the interval check-ins then. And honestly, that was the biggest game changer yet. Some nights are easier than most, but I think she’s finally understanding her “sleep times” and “wake times”. We’re about 2 weeks in and I will say, it is not as effective as the cry-it-out method, but it works for me and my weak little heart.

Abigail is absolutely a product of her mama and a very strong-willed child. But seeing as I was the same, I am well equipped to look inward and see what I would need in that moment and try to give that to my daughter. Not all nights are the same, not all days are a strict routine. You can try your best to schedule your kids, but (at least for this family) we’re all just flying by the seat of our pants. And honestly, if Abigail gets really fussy some nights - I go in and I place her on my chest and we both fall asleep on the couch together and it’s pure magic. These are the moments I know I’ll miss. I know it was hard at the time being stuck to a rocking chair for hours getting my baby down for bed, but those moments are so fleeting that all I want to do is soak them up completely. Imprint them on my brain forever.

So my two cents? Rock your baby to sleep, try the cry-it-out method, sleep alongside your child in their bed, let them sleep in your bed, or whatever it is you choose to do - is what you should do. And if it’s going through multiple attempts, methods, and emotions on sleep training, so be it! And how about we make it more common that instead of asking if baby is sleeping through the night to your friends - ask if mama and baby are happy. Ask if you can get them food (always yes). Ask to hangout with mama and baby (wishful thinking re: COVID). And lastly, support all the mamas in their journey and how they arrive at their version of “sleep training”. Because trust me, there will be another sleep regression (how are there so many!?) and we’ll all be back at square one anyway.