Version Five Hundred
There’s a Buddhist quote, “just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again”, that has been sticking with me for a while now. It feels very profound while at the same time too simplistic. It presents this idea that you can just step out of this past that you’re carrying around with you, as if we’re our smartphones refreshing to the latest software. It made me think about my own experiences and how many versions of myself there have been. How many “skins” I have shed throughout my life in order to get away from my past. Can you ever fully upgrade yourself away from a past version or do those glitches always find their way back into the system?
My past feels complicated and normal all at the same time. Something happened to me when I was younger to make me feel as though my body wasn’t mine. Even equipped with the core values from my parents, I was quickly stripped of what made me, me. And keeping it inside and quiet for so long shapes my past to what it is. It made navigating through the oh-so-many versions of myself a bit more complicated throughout my life. And yes, it did bring me here—to this version— but to say that I don’t constantly wish I could go back and erase it before it became something I had to “shed” or “upgrade”, would be a lie.
They say that certain trauma sticks to your bones. That it’s this energy that is very hard to shake until you get down into the roots, or the bones, of it. No matter your upbringing - sometimes things just happen and all of the strength you were instilled with flies out the window. But even in the shittiest of situations, it’s how you pick up those pieces and step back into yourself afterwards - even if it takes you 20 years and five hundred versions of yourself to do so - that you see the true strength of your upbringing. Where your parent’s core values and tools, kick situational’s ass.
I think the issue with the first, let’s say, 100 versions of myself - I was upgrading to everyone else’s version. As if it’s a one size fits all, like an iPhone upgrade. Except I’m the Android trying to update on an iOS system and wondering why I’m malfunctioning. I hit a point where I realized that I was ALL the versions except my own and I didn’t have the proper tools I needed to navigate these other versions. So, I was just blindly upgrading into new versions hoping it would be the version that '“fixed” me and erased my past.
I like to think I inherited great tools from my parents and that they’re what’s prevented my backbone from crumbling throughout all these version upgrades. However, you can never prepare nor truly prevent a situation like mine from happening. Like they say, shit happens. Therefore, I want to pass down not only what I was given in my toolbox, but a few more that I think are really important that I’ve had to pick up through my own experiences. I mean, isn’t that what parenting is all about? Taking what you were given, and adding just a little bit more to it with your own life experiences and passing it along. Hoping one day your own kids add to the toolbox and keep the values or “tools” moving through generations.
So all of this to say that I feel as though I’ve found a version of myself that I’m very happy with. She’s still got some upgrades left in her, but at least she’s on the right path for her. And from my experiences, I have my own tools to add to the family toolbox:
Whenever you feel voiceless, that is the time to be your loudest.Your body does not and will never define you.Choose kindness, especially when it’s the hardest choice to make.You can absolutely change your mind at any time.If you’re happy with who you are, that’s all that matters.And lastly, take up space.
I’m not sure if it’s possible to completely shed one’s past, or if you would even want to. There’s an argument to be made that you needed your past to get you to this 500th (or whatever number it may be) version of yourself. Maybe just acknowledging your past for what it’s done, but then allowing yourself to completely shed it so that you can fully be in your present version, is all it’s meant to be there for. I mean, it’s called an upgrade for a reason, right?
