Trigger Warning

Let me start off by saying I have completely underestimated how much time is actually consumed when you’re moving into a new house, chasing a toddler, husband starting a new job, and navigating your second pregnancy. Spoiler alert - it is a LOT. However, my blog remains my one vice where I feel like I can just write down my thoughts - even if no one is really reading.

This month’s topic has been on my mind for quite some time now. It’s something you’re always told and know to look out for, but it doesn’t really hit you until you’re in the thick of it and realize just how much of yourself you’re still working on. I’m talking about triggers. My main experience has been while parenting, but triggers can come into play with literally any relationship you have. It just so happens that it kinda smacks you in the face a littttttle bit harder when it’s your mini-me showing you what those actually are.

As I’m sure most parents know - you have your ups and downs when raising humans - and then you have your extremes. The moments where out of nowhere it feels like you just get this bubbling frustration rise inside you. It’s a mix of annoyance, lack of tolerance, and just rage that you can feel consume your entire body for what seems like a millisecond and then all of a sudden it’s (typically) released in an unflattering way. Yes, that would be a trigger. It doesn’t make sense. You immediately feel regret, foolish, and confusion all at the same time.

So how do we break this cycle? Well, you’ll realize the first super simple (it’s not super simple at all) task is to identify what your trigger is. For example, I have come to realize that the blatant defiance or not listening from my daughter just sets me over the edge. Especially when she looks me dead in the eyes, while I’m yelling “noooo. that’s not safe! Come back here please” as she continues to move toward the unsafe thing, not even phased that I said no. Yes, it’s very true that not listening is completely developmentally appropriate for a 2 year old, but does my mind/trigger care about that? Nope. And what’s worse is I feel like a broken record that even I’m tired of listening to all day long. It’s constant “Abigail. Noo. Abigail. Abigail. ABIGAIL” as if I’m looking for a “oh mommy dearest, I am so sorry I climbed up on the top of the counter. Let me get down now.” When in reality, I am looking for ANY sense of listening coming from my daughter. Any acknowledgement that I just called her name 5 times or even just a teensy second of a pause to know that something is getting through. So then when I have to intervene, because talking very clearly didn’t work, I know I am now going to be thrown full throttle into a toddler meltdown. Kicking, screaming, and all the tears commence. But for me - it’s not even the meltdown. Meltdowns I can shockingly handle. 30 minutes of screaming at me and feeling ALL the feelings? Bring it on. This highly sensitive mama was born to handle that. Not listening? My kryptonite. And I have NO idea why. Logically, I get why she isn’t listening or ignoring me. I get that developmentally toddlers want to explore. You can tell me all the scientific neurons shooting through her brain that make it impossible to really hear my logical side trying to keep her safe until you’re blue in the face. Yet every single time, without fail, the shortest fuse I have will ignite and combust in about 3…2…1…

All relationships are complicated. Naming what you’re feeling is complicated. Seeing a trigger coming and having time to switch your reaction is probably the most complicated piece of it all. It is hard. Triggers are hard. It’s OK to mess up while you navigate your own, but what’s not OK is acting as if your reaction is just something everyone else has to take. Do not double down and act as if your reaction was warranted and should be understood by those around you. Your reaction will literally only make sense to you, I promise. So what I’ve realized is that we should always allow space for apologies. Even if you’re an expert at your triggers and can see them a mile away - we all slip up and we all make mistakes. Know that you’re not alone. Even if you’re dealing with triggers in a marriage, a friendship, a parent relationship, or with your own kids. Do not let that mistake sit out there in silence or place blame on anyone else. You have full control over your reactions and words. Say you’re sorry, explain as best you can why it bubbled like that, and repair, repair, repair.