Mom Speak
“Oh, I don’t remember those times - I just remember it being so magical and wonderful!”, “Yes, breastfeeding was the most magical experience for me.”, “I don’t remember any pain! It was such a beautiful moment for me.”
Momspeak - where we make it a point to only see the good and happy sides of pregnancy/childbirth and actively push out the bad through our words. Now, I understand this is a form of survival because let’s be honest, if we remembered childbirth and all the pain we went through - we’d all be an only child. So I get it! But at the same time, I wish women were a bit more candid with one another about their experiences. I wish we’d stop putting these rose colored glasses over pregnancy and postpartum so that those of us who have no idea what we’re doing, aren’t made to feel crazy. Motherhood should be bonding us together through our flaws and crazy times, not making us feel as though we need to match up to perfection.
I’ll speak to my own personal experience, in hopes of making someone else feel a little less crazy through theirs. Now, mine is a bit out of the norm because it happened in the middle of a pandemic, but I still think a lot of my experiences would have been the same without the pandemic.
My pregnancy was fairly easy - so I thank my lucky stars for that! It was only towards the end that I got any type of swelling in my feet/hands and really really bad heartburn. Pregnancy is a rough one to help others through because it’s so different for each body, but I think it’s safe to say we all have things we can complain about and things we love about being pregnant. So my advice would be to just follow your body’s direction and lean into it. You know your body, so trust your gut. Literally!
It wasn’t until afterwards that things went a bit crazy for me. And I am a firm believer that the afterwards is where the support matters the most. I struggled a lot mentally and physically in postpartum and I thank the universe that I had my husband to help me through because I don’t think I would have survived it without him. I’m not sure if the hospital, books, or really anyone prepares you for the postpartum stage or your “fourth” trimester. You’re sent home with this new life that literally depends on your body to survive, no real idea of what you’re doing, no nurses around 24/7 to help you out, hormones going completely haywire, and running on no sleep. To say it’s tough is an understatement. Your body is designed to make it through physically, but not without some major changes. And mentally? Oh man. I remember the second night of being home, I lost it. My poor husband, such a trooper. I maybe had 2 hours of sleep the night before and here I was on the couch and I could not stop crying. In fact, I think I cried for about the first two weeks at least once a day.
What you don’t realize is that you left your house pregnant and in one stage of your life only to come back a couple days later in a completely different stage. But everything in your house is exactly the same. It’s as if you just stepped outside to get the mail, but now you brought back a new life, a baby, with you. That baby can’t and won’t fit into your “old life”. And that is a very weird transition to make overnight. Things from here on out are going to be completely different. And that’s a hard pill to swallow no matter how prepared you think you are. It’s not even a matter of missing your old life; it’s the realization that you have entered a new chapter, but nothing is written on the pages. You have no guidelines or idea of what will be written either. I think that was the hardest transition for me. I’m someone that wants to know the next step, I want to see where I’m jumping before I jump and to put it simply, that doesn’t exist with babies. The unknown was terrifying to me. So here we were, back in our “old” apartment and “old” lives, trying to turn the page to this new chapter, but I couldn’t stop re-reading the last paragraph on the previous page; not fully comprehending what the words were saying to leap me into that next chapter.
Honestly? I wish I could tell you that I found ways to make it through and come out unscathed, but that’s just false. I was fully dependent on my friends, family, and husband to get me through. Sometimes, you just have to cry it out to your husband while he talks you off that ledge and out of your head. Or you have to complain in novel-like text messages to your best friend and sister-in-law. Or you just cry it out on the floor of your shower by yourself. There is no wrong way to let it out, just be sure to let it out. You can’t bottle that up inside nor should you feel like you have to. I want to normalize falling apart so that those who are suffering in silence can see just how normal their feelings are. I always heard of postpartum and how it can be hard, but it’s this shameful feeling that I think keeps it quiet. It’s this whispered about issue among mothers or it’s turned into “mom speak” because our instinct is to hide our vulnerability. Which I think is just the Mama Bear version of ourselves coming out - we can’t show our weaknesses because we have to protect and nurture this fragile life that is literally carrying our entire hearts outside of our bodies.
Along with this mental state, we are trying to get back to our “original” selves physically. Which - spoiler alert - you ain’t gettin back there. I don’t care if you see those women that became “fitness” moms after having quadruplets with six pack abs and the energy to workout everyday. I guarantee you, she pees her pants when she laughs a little too hard or has stretch marks on her ass or now has feet that are a size bigger for the rest of her life haha. Postpartum is an adventure. I mean, I quite literally peed myself while out for a run and needed my husband to come pick me up in the car because there was no way I was walking (waddling) back with pee pants! Like I said, adventure. On top of not feeling or looking like your “normal” self - mirrors, scales, and your pre-pregnancy clothes start to taunt you every day. So word to the wise - throw out ANY expectations or fitness goals for your body. Start very very small and just focus on being present and learning everything you can about this new body. And yes, I’ll say the cliche statement - you made a human. Like, a person legit formed and came out of your body. You did that!! It took 9 months to do, so give yourself at least that same amount of time to adjust to your postpartum body.
All of this to say, be easy on yourself. Give yourself a break! A lot easier said than done, trust me I know, but you’re relearning your entire state of being (mental and physical) while also trying to learn this new little beautiful human. I find it helpful to look at postpartum as a “reawakening” of yourself. A journey that you take with your mind and body to see what your new normal looks like. The same way you are learning about your baby and picking up what certain cries or faces mean, you need to give that to your body. I just think we should change the way we speak about these things and dismantle “mom speak”. It’s so easy to change the narrative into something beautiful once we’ve recovered, but let us not forget (especially when talking with new moms) that there were struggles and are hard times. And acknowledging those struggles is just as important throughout recovery as it is to put blinders on once we’ve recovered. Because, ya know, we want to be able to do it again haha!
Lastly, to whoever needs to hear it - I can assure you that you are the BEST thing for your baby. You are the best mother for your baby. Hands down. Books and resources are meant to guide you, not be rules that you have to follow. Only you know what is right for your baby.
