Breaking up with Friends

How do you know when a friendship has run its course?

I feel all too often we overlook friendships being just as serious as romantic relationships; when in fact, they are still a relationship where we give a lot of ourselves (typically) and expect to get some kind of connection in return. But what do you do when the friendship is no longer benefitting you? And I don’t mean in a manner of “their advice sucks!” or “they never want to go out anymore”. I mean seriously bringing negative energy into your life.

Recently I encountered a friendship “breakup” which had me thinking, why doesn’t anyone talk about this? If you’ve ever been through one, you understand just how confusing yet menial it truly feels. So where’s the conversation surrounding this part of life that seems to rear its ugly head as you get older? For instance, is there a general rule for how to properly break up? Do you even need to let the friend know you are “breaking up” or do you just slowly grow without the other? Do we just stop trying to hang out or trying to catch up with them? Do we need to allow ourselves time to grieve the friendship? Are we breaking it off for the right reasons? These are all questions that I think need to be answered - or at least given thought.

My situation was a weird one for sure. This was a friend that I was very close with at one point in time in my life. I won’t go into many details as to respect this person’s anonymity, but I would have never thought that I’d be in the situation I’m in to actually end a friendship. Also, I’m pretty positive I didn't even do it right…haha!

For the sake of making this easy, we’ll call my friend “A”. Now, A and I used to be attached at the hip. We met during our adolescent years and definitely did a lot of growing up together, which only brought us closer as the years went on. We had a LOT of ups and downs, but somehow that didn’t break us apart. So why the breakup now? Well, looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, am I right) I realized just how negative this friendship was for me. How a friend would never treat someone they respect the way I was being treated. Don’t get me wrong, I also had my fair share of mistakes, but not nearly as bad as A’s. But A was A and I chose her to be in my life and be my friend - so I thought that was that. Little did I know, you can actually un-choose someone. You can actually make decisions to better your own life and your own energy! I know I know, ground-breaking stuff right here. So how does that get us to 2020 and feeling the need to break it off? Well, it’s a very weird story and 100% suitable for the way 2020 is behaving.

A and I barely talk anymore. After college, I attempted to reconnect, but realized nothing had changed. Again, A would be A and that was that. I thought - well, we can just remain friends on social media and it doesn’t need to be anything more than that. But for some reason that self explanation would’t cut it. There was negative energy still feeding into my life from this relationship and I had no idea why. We barely talk, if we do talk it was always nice or congratulatory comments on social media, so why was this “friendship” (or lack there of) weighing me down so much? Well, as the universe would have it - she showed me why. A and I have extremely different views on politics, life, etc. And before you say anything, no I am not someone that will unfriend someone just for having a different view. I’m quite the opposite and understand that we need people to challenge our views, to have these difficult conversations and hear each other out. I know there are more ways than one to see a situation! So why did A piss me off so much, you ask? Well, because one day she blocked me on all social media accounts for my views and opinions. And for such a shitty relationship to begin with, it honestly shouldn’t have bothered me. But after years of being unsure of a friendship - that was the straw that broke the camels back. I was completely floored by this act. That a “friend” would feel the need to BLOCK me on ALL accounts, rather than having a discussion. What does that say about our friendship? Well, I was about to find out. I still have A’s number (*evil laugh* - just kidding, it wasn’t that serious). So, I texted A. Mind you, at this point I wasn’t even planning to break up our friendship or even thought of that! I simply texted to apologize (wait, how am I the one apologizing yet again?) and did just that! It wasn’t until the response I got back that I realized, I have complete control over who I keep in my life. She was very “nice” (per usual) and explained her piece - but then went on to say that she’d like to stay friends as she likes checking in to see how I’m doing in life via social media. And that. That my friends, is why I decided to un-choose this friend.

Now, I don’t want you thinking A isn’t a good person, by any means, she just isn’t a good person for me. And that text message is how I realized it. Our friendship was never one of meaning, but one of survival. When we first met, I was at this new school with new people that I did not fit in with whatsoever and she was the closest thing to my old/normal life. We had a very similar socioeconomic upbringing comparatively to everyone else at this school. We knew our true selves with each other, while also promoting each others facade in order to fit in with our surroundings. Looking back now, I truly believe we were only meant to be friends for that period of time and that I missed the queues to end the friendship a long time ago. So when she texts that she still wants to remain friends and “check-in” on me - I reacted defensively. Why? What for? Honestly, I don’t really know why I reacted the way I did internally. If I were to try and guess, I think our past issues and fights came to mind and I saw just how different we are from one another. How the energy that she brought into my life was only one of defensiveness and survival. And I don’t need to just “survive” my life any more. So, I decided to take her lead and just kept her unfriended on all accounts. It wasn’t an easy decision to make either. I knew I was annoyed that she thought she could act rashly and block me to then just turn around and say “mehhh, never mind. I’d still love to see what you’re up to!”, but I didn’t know why I was so annoyed. Isn’t that exactly what social media is for? Don’t I do the same thing with acquaintances? But this seemed different. I think because we have SUCH a past, her seeing my posts or just “checking in” every so often, felt as though unnecessary energy was subconsciously still being poured into this friendship. I actually sat with my thoughts for a while before making the decision. But just then, when I finally made that decision, it’s as though my self awareness and energy, got a whole lot clearer. I won’t go as far as to say a weight was lifted, but maybe a gray cloud or two vanished from my mind’s sky.

It’s sad to see that friendship go, but it no longer served a purpose for me anymore and was honestly just emotionally draining. Which is so weird to think, seeing as we hardly ever spoke to one another. It’s crazy how these relationships and people that we have in our lives, they all mean something, even if they aren’t a significant part of our life. Everyone you choose to have in your life brings this energy with them and sometimes that energy is only needed for a specific time in your life and then it goes sour. Kind of like the old milk in the fridge that everyone sees is expired, but no one actually throws it away. Sometimes you take it out, give it a good sniff, only to put the top back on and place it back on the shelf for it to become the next persons problem. But that old milk sitting there is preventing new milk from coming in to serve an actual purpose. Haha! You’re probably thinking - how in the hell did we get to milk?! All I’m trying to say is, check the expiration dates on your friendships. Some don’t have one and will serve you for a lifetime while others may only serve you for a period of time and then need to be reevaluated or discarded. Neither is the “wrong” kind of friendship and I don’t think you should ever regret a friendship. I just think, from my recent experience, that we need to view them the same way we view our romantic relationships and maybe mourn them in a similar way.

So, did I “break up” correctly? Probably not. Does she know that I don’t consider her a friend anymore? Ehhh, I think it’s safe to say she got the picture when I didn’t re-accept her friendship on social media; however, I probably could have gone about it in a more mature, adult-like way. BUT that’s the thing I’m getting at - no one tells you how to breakup with a friend! It’s just assumed that all friends stay in your life forever and only romantic ones receive a possible ending. So let’s change that! I want to hear more conversations around this topic. Understandably, it’s probably not the most important convo to be having in 2020 - while the world is basically a Sims game that the user locked all the doors, set the house on fire, and left all of us players inside - but something to think about and bring to light a bit more!